Dressed to impress

Blog Therapy Round 2

I have to be really honest. This situation sucks, big time. I am such a Type A Personality. I want to do everything right and do it right the first time. With that comes the terrible habit of looking at a situation, and thinking I may fail, I won’t try. I can’t handle the failure. I hate it. It physically hurts me.

I think I may fail at  job hunting. It’s only been two weeks and I’m exhausted. I’m apathetic.

Deep down, I’m really angry. I had a job I loved, a job I was good at, a job that more than met our needs. And we have a lot of financial things to deal with. So the loss of a job is really devastating. I received a bit of severance, but when that’s gone and the jobs are nowhere to be found, then what?

People say to use this time to find out who you are, what you want, discover your passion. Again, I have to be honest. I HAVE NO [insert strong language of choice here] IDEA. I think I do a lot of things, but I don’t excel at one thing. I can’t sing or dance. I think American Idol is okay and I love So You Think You Can Dance, but please, those are not my God-given talents. I take nice photos but not nice enough to sell. I can cook but not under pressure. I love science but don’t have a degree beyond a bachelors. I don’t have a teaching certification or a medical license to practice anything. Going back to school is out of the question. I write a blog that I think all of three people read.

As a Christian, we’re supposed to have faith and trust that our needs will be met. I believe my needs will be met, but the not knowing how fuels my fear and my anger. I can only distract myself with things to do for so long and then I run into reality headlong like it’s a brick wall. My mind races with things to occupy my time, things that don’t cost money or valuable calories. One can only cook so many dishes before the threat of weight gain or emotional eating has to be faced.

I want to say I’d like God to speak to me. Someone once told me that if God has to speak to me, then I’m not listening. He gives us His Word, His Spirit, and the counsel of godly friends to guide us.

But honestly, I’ve never felt quite so lost, confused, or alone.